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May 9th,
2010 5:37 pm
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Today I spent most of the day in the kitchen at the new place ...and the funny part is I wasn't even cooking. My life is so strange now. Everything seems so surreal. I haven't ever really existed in the real world without him or without something we both had a part in. And...unfortunately enough this restaurant makes that fact all the more real. And maybe that's why I'm dragging my feet in regards to opening my doors. Maybe I'm scared I can't do this without him. Maybe I miss cooking us a late dinner while he balanced the books in the office. No...there's no maybe about it. I'm lost. And yes...I realize it's pretty disgusting that I don't know how to do this sober.
I've come to realize over the past couple of days that since I moved here from our home in New York I can't remember how he smells. If I had to define fear...it would be the feeling I get when I try and remember him. When I don't remember how his hands felt on me or exactly how his voice sounded in certain moments. I wish we'd taken more videos or more pictures...I wish I had one more day. But who doesn't wish that about a loved one, really? We were constantly working, but we were happy. We were doing what we loved. But now I wish to god we'd had just one vacation together. That we'd had just one week of him doing nothing but holding me on some beach somewhere looking at the surf. Because maybe, just maybe, those would've been the touches I could still shut my eyes and feel.
And all that leads me to my next question. Am I ever going to love cooking again like I used to? When he was away on business my kitchen was the only place I felt at home in and now I always feel like I don't belong. I'm hoping something makes me snap out of this. I don't want to just get over him...I can't. How can you just "get over" the love of your life? Even if I ever found someone that hole would always be there. It wouldn't even be fair to the other person. And it isn't that I wouldn't give it everything I've got. It's that 'everything I've got' is next to nothing now. And then finally we get to that final question. The question too many people have to ask themselves in this life. Why couldn't it have been me?
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April 16th,
2010 4:09 pm
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It's been a long couple of weeks and it's not looking like it's going to let up any time soon. My contractor tells me it might only be two to three weeks until I'm able to start opening my doors but I try pretty hard not to get my hopes up about most things. I never really did much of the labor during the remodeling of Pulito, my restaurant in New York. That was more James' area of expertise...though I brought him water every now and then and told him when things were crooked. I'm a big help like that. He always handled the books, too...so I suppose aside from waitstaff and a good sous chef I'll also be looking for a book keeper.
As far as this town goes...it really is a beautiful place. The people are a lot different here than back home. New York City does get a bad reputation from time to time but to tell you the truth...it deserves it. Things really got out of hand there. I never thought when we opened Pulito it would lead to us being semi-famous but I guess in a way it was a good thing. All we ever had was a vision to give people something that was good for them. To show people that organic food isn't all about granola and tree-hugging.
So...no. I don't miss the camera flashes and the head-spinning after-parties of the high profile, pretentious events we catered. I do miss my parents. I swear it feels like I haven't spoken Italian in years but I just called Ma two nights ago.
...Parla italiano?
[Private from this point forward]
It's harder than I thought it would be without him. It's even harder without him now that I'm clean...now that I can actually think. I thought removing myself from everything that reminded me of him would help...but I think I just made it worse.
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| BIO |
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March 31st,
2010 8:38 pm
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( Biography )
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